I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
