saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Randomize
