My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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