She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
