His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
