My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
