So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize