Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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