so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Holy sore nipples Batman
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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