Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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