I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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