If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
