saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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