the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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