I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
