If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
