Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
