I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
