Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
