I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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