just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
