did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
