One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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