I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
