Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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