Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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