I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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