the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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