i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
