Pappa wants mamma naked
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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