Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
