My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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