i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
