I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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