Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
