I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
