i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
