when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
