i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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