I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
