i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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