My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
