why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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