I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
