how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize