flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
