There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
