Plan B is the new Plan A
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
