i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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