The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
