I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
