Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
