I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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