She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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