I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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