i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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