I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
