Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize