I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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