Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
