At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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