I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
